It has been a tough road. I am currently standing at a crossroads in my marriage. It has been a rocky and we are at a point where we do not know if this can continue. Which has left a pit in my stomach! We have been going back and forth for months; wondering what we were fighting for. All that raw emotion finally came to a head and we both exploded. We both said and did somethings that were not based on rational thought-just pure emotion. Here is where the stress plays a key role in my life. It has manifested itself as a nasty little creature in my stomach that punches the inside of my guts. We will call him the Intruder. The first couple of days, I let the Intruder get the best of me. I did not want to get out of bed because I felt so sick all the time. My thoughts were constantly burdened by what was happening. I felt so out of control.
This has been the hardest thing I have ever been through. I never imagined on my wedding day that we would end up resenting each other a few short years later. I married this man because I was in love with him, he was in love with me and we were happy.
We met and had an instant connection. I had never felt so amazing in my whole life. We couldn't get enough of each other. It was like magic. Yes we have had our issues, like every other couple, but there was no one else I ever could imagine myself with. He was exactly what I was waiting for. And for a period of time, I was extremely happy.
We eventually had to relocate to a different part of the country for his work. It was really fun at first. Being in a new town, meeting new people and what not. But overtime, it became overwhelming to me. I started to miss my family and his family and the life that we had started to create back in our hometown. I tried to stay focused, but I allowed the first Intruder in-doubt. It was doubt about whether we had made the right decision to move and whether we were right for each other. There were a lot of conflicting emotions going through my head. The honeymoon phase was wearing off.
Eventually, we had moved forward and began trying to start a family. This was a lot harder than movies explain. Where is the movie explaining you really only have two days in your cycle for it to work?! This led to months and months of disappointment and eventual giving up. I became deeply depressed. I began to push my husband away and he was walking away from me. I became a shell. You could see my body, but my spirit wasn't in it. I struggled to get out of bed, do normal day to day chores and take care of myself. Somewhere in here, we stopped communicating.
A few months ago, my sister took me to a tarot reader for the first time. It was the most amazing experience for me. It isn't like she told me something I didn't already know, but it felt so positive and strong. This is the day my life changed. I woke up. I was no longer walking around, shell of a human being. My spirit was back-I was back. Ready and able to finally live. Unbeknownst to me, my husband had sought joy elsewhere. He was no longer the man I met all those years ago. He was no longer the man I married. He was someone else I did not feel like I knew.
So there I was. Feeling a hundred emotions at once. The Intruder in my stomach came in and I let my husband treat me a way I would have never allowed before. I have been so caught up in saving my marriage that I haven't asked if my marriage was worth saving.
I was eventually asked, "When are you going to take control back?" Which struck a chord with me. I was feeling so out of control because I wasn't doing anything. I was letting the Intruder come in and eat what was left of me. So I decided that I needed to do something.
My best friend on the planet was told by a strong and powerful woman that the most important thing to do is to get out of bed everyday, do your hair and do your make-up. This way you can see how beautiful you are every single day. That is when Positive and Pretty popped into my head. I was going to do this one thing everyday, take a picture and post on Facebook. It made me feel powerful.
I have been fighting to keep our marriage afloat. I just woke up! I want to experience my marriage as I haven't in my shell state. But it is hard to fight for something not both parties want. So here I am. Spilling my heart out to the world, hoping that this will resonate with someone.
Over time, I want to share with you how I am getting through this state. I want to share with you how I am distracting myself and how I am helping to better myself. I hope you will come on this journey with me.
Stay Positive and Pretty!